The Role of False Promises

In abusive relationships

One of the reasons we stay invested in an abusive relationship is because of it’s potential. When we experience behaviour as harmful as abuse, the potential of what the relationship can provide has to be magnified so that we stay committed. To tolerate the extremes of abusive behaviour, we have to believe the potential is worth it. We must believe that the risk of losing our “dreamlife” is greater than the risks of living our current life – with the abuse. That somewhere, somehow, the abuser can deliver on fulfilling our deepest desires for connection, love, and the hopes we have for the future.

Even if they are abusive now.

It’s a relationship of high stakes. 

But where does the belief in their potential originate? In part we can answer it with this: the false promise.

False promises are used throughout the abusive relationship. They first enter the scene at the love bombing stage, where the abuser presents themself as attentive, affectionate and committed. Promises are uttered, such as they will always treat you well, or they will love you wholeheartedly, giving you the impression that the dynamic you have at the beginning is what you can use as a basis for your relationship in the future. If it is a familial abusive relationship, such as a parent, then the promises of attentiveness and affection are part of a cycle or emotional connection and withdrawal.

Here is your first false promise.

Abusers may intentionally promise what you want to hear, or they may believe their own promises of eternal devotion. Both give them a sense of power, either due to the direct deceit or because of the sense that their emotions and promises are driving the development of the relationship. However, as the relationship becomes more established, one of two things happens. They either no longer need to pretend because you are now invested in the relationship (and likely trapped to some extent), or they become disillusioned with the relationship. No longer riding on the coattails of endorphins of a new relationship, they start to blame you as the relationship moves out of the honeymoon phase and into the maintenance phase. Losing a sense of power over the development of the relationship they consequently begin to withhold or use the previous promises as a tool of coercion.

Here we sit in the remnants of their potential. Experiencing how intense and fulfilling the connection with them first felt, and holding onto small moments where that connection resurfaces, we remain invested. We hold onto the promise that they will treat us well again, as promised… at some point in the future.

The Cycle of the False Promise

Like many behaviours in an abusive relationship, false promises have a life cycle. Whilst the first promises are made to get us attached, the intention of a false promise evolves. Let’s look at the cycle of the false promise in abuse: