The dangers of decision making (and why I still struggle)

Journal of an abuse survivor

One of the things I still struggle with most is making decisions. The example I always give is when deciding what to watch. I never watch TV. Not unless someone else had decided what to watch and I sit alongside them. The anxiety and all of the unspoken rules, judgements and shame around decisions taken from me in that moment – through their choice - allowing me to simply relax and enjoy the series. Sometimes, when I’m alone, I’ll think about trying to pick a series to watch. Most of the time, I don’t even start, retreating into the comfort of listening to music instead. But on the occasions where I try, I often don’t get far into an episode because instead of feeling engaged, or joy, or… something… I feel nothing. I don’t know what to feel about it.

And that brings its own discomfort.

If I were to dig deeper, and be more vulnerable, then decision making affects more than my ability to relax in front of the TV. I question so many things. My default is to experience the world perceiving everyone else’s decisions as the right ones and my own to be fundamentally flawed. Not just decisions, but views, thoughts, feelings, opinions. When mine don’t align I jump to the question, what is wrong with my take on this? I can’t just decide if I like someone, without questioning whether they are even likeable. Or if they are likeable, whether it’s a stupid decision to like them because I am in fact, unlikeable myself. And it isn’t just the shame that comes with being unlikeable, it’s the threat. How being unlikeable in the past has been fraught with the threat of abandonment, punishment, rejection, and abuse.

The commentary I feel over everyday thoughts, feelings, interactions, and self-expression that include miniscule almost incomprehensible decision making to many, creates a flowing internal tension. And much like when trying to watch the TV, when I try to engage with the world, I can end up retreating or feeling nothing.

I think one of the most difficult things about decision making is that people see your choices. It is a way to be seen. And in an abusive relationship, being seen is a way to be targeted. To be shamed, bullied, and punished. So really, my lingering avoidance of decision making is a risk aversion; it’s self-protection. A leaning towards peace.

But it also feels so lonely.

Decisions as Punishment

I remember when I first started dating him, we moved in together quickly. I was still in my 20’s and didn’t have that many commitments or responsibilities, so my circle of friends was still a priority and where I invested a large amount of my time.

I remember the conversation we had about my friends.