May Reflection: how abuse creates psychological isolation

Why recovery can feel lonely, confusing, and disconnected long after the relationship ends

This month, I’ve found myself repeatedly returning to the same theme in my writing: isolation. We often refer to how physical isolation is an abuse tactic but rarely give room to the psychological isolation. Yet, it is a form of disconnection that many survivors carry long after leaving an abusive relationship.

The loneliness survivors rarely talk about

Before understanding abuse and trauma more deeply, I used to think isolation simply meant being alone. But one of the things I’ve gradually come to recognise is that abuse often creates layers of separation. It separates survivors not only from other people, but from ourselves, from our own reality, from safety, and from a sense of connection that allows us to move through life feeling grounded.

One of the reasons this can feel so confusing is because the isolation created by abuse often does not look obvious from the outside. Many survivors continue working, parenting, socialising, replying to messages, attending events, and functioning in ways that appear “normal”. At the same time, internally, we may feel consumed by fear, shame, confusion, hypervigilance, grief, guilt, self-doubt, or emotional overwhelm. And if we don’t feel able to carry on with these forms of connecting, we often experience it as a personal failure rather than a product of the isolation of abuse. But we need to understand how psychological isolation creates challenges, so that we can build in ways to support ourselves.

This disconnect between external functioning and internal devastation can create an incredibly lonely experience. Survivors are often surrounded by people whilst feeling psychologically alone.