He never told me to isolate
He gave me a choice, but only one of them was safe.
This is the fifth essay in my series, The Unspoken Story of Abuse. Here, I reflect on the subtle coercion to isolate that made it feel like a choice rather than obvious control.
For years I told people that I stopped drinking alcohol because I was married to an alcoholic. That’s not exactly true. Whilst I had been married to an alcoholic when I was younger, he wasn’t the reason I stopped. I stopped drinking because of the “nice man” that followed. After just one drink, he would mock and chastise me. I remember coming home from an evening out with my friends, feeling happy and relaxed, and being met with his look of disapproval. I sat on our sofa and told him I only had one drink and didn’t feel in the slightest bit tipsy, to no avail. He only doubled down and his mockery grew louder. He said I was slurring my words and whenever I had a drink and looked foolish. I can still feel the way he laughed at me now. It was a laugh to convey that at that moment I didn’t deserve his respect. I no longer felt happy and relaxed. Instead, I sat there questioning myself, trying to make sense of how he could see me so differently from how I felt in my own skin.
Almost imperceptibly, I began to feel deeply uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable whilst out with my friends and coming up with excuses not to drink a rum and coke. These were friends I had made in my teens. They had been with me through my coming-of-age era, and my marriage and the collapse of it. They knew me well. And I felt uncomfortable knowing that if I did have a drink, I would return to his criticism. Hell, he was sceptical even when I didn’t drink alcohol. He began to say that if I wasn’t drunk, it must be the effect my friends have on me. He told me I turn into a different person when I’ve spent time around them. He didn’t need to say it aloud that he didn’t approve of this “different” person I supposedly became.
I learned it wasn’t about the alcohol. It was about the friends.
What I didn’t understand at the time was how quickly that would begin to shape my behaviour.
